A Lover's Quarrel

Disclaimer:   I am a terrible blogger.  It's unfortunate because I grew up writing in journals.  I used to be so good at taking the time to write down my thoughts, but now I waste my time with too much television.  I am also terrible at starting a post and then just forgetting to post it.  Last year I did race reports, but didn't publish a single one! Lazy.  

I've been having a hard time lately, so I thought maybe this will be a way to get my head back in the game.  We shall see. 

Running used to be my friend.  Running used to be what I thought about all the time, even when I would struggle to get my shoes on and my butt out the door.  Even when I hated running, I would still go back to it like an old friend, knowing that even if I hurt, once I was done running I'd feel that buzz of happiness surging through my brain.  Running was my friend, my happiness.  Then, we hit a rough patch.  At first, I thought it was just a handful of bad runs.  We were just having a few disagreements-- a first of many to come in our future.  But now, after months of struggling, I realize that running and I are having a bit of lover's quarrel- and it is really messing up my plans for 2013.

I suppose in hindsight my difficulties with running really go back to the Rock n Roll Half Marathon last October.  I was all pumped to earn a PR with Leah that day.  A couple weeks before, I ran the MO' Cowbell Half Marathon at a personal record of 2:16:45.  I was feeling fantastic and I felt so ready for this half.  I really did.  Sigh.  But then race day came, and it just wasn't there.  About 8 miles in, my belly was hurting.  It made running uncomfy.  My legs felt like lead.  It made me feel like I was running in quicksand.  Around mile 11 or so, I had a horrible pain in my calf.  It was pretty much all over after that.  (I must add here that despite my difficulties, Leah ran on and rocked it to beat her previous half marathon time!  Woot!)

After that run, I continued to have problems with my calf.  I did the Tunnel Hill 10 Miler and ended up with the same issue.  About 6 miles in, my right calf would start having charley-horse-like spasms.  I am sure hardcore runners would just push through, but I'm a total wuss.  I would walk until it stopped hurting, then struggle to start back running again.  I assumed that it was overuse and since the holidays were coming up, it was a good time to slow down a bit.  I did continue to run -- 3-5 miles or so per run, and didn't have any real issues. Well, there was that one time I fell during an ill-fated night run, but thankfully it wasn't too serious.  Really, the issues seem to start back up when we started training for the Fly With The Eagles Half Marathon.  The first couple of long runs were fine, then my calf started hurting, then my whole leg would start hurting.  Super frustrating.  

The two weeks leading up to Fly With The Eagles I had a series of terrible runs.  The worst was a 3 miler in the rain the day after I signed up for my first Marathon.  (Yes, I said Marathon!  I'll get back to that in a minute.)  After about a mile of running, my leg started hurting.  It started at the calf, but then ended up with my entire leg hurting me.  I tried to push through, but then I got a wicked side stitch and I just quit.  I mentally shut down and just started walking and crying in the pouring rain with Tim.  He put up with me like a champ.  That guy is something special, I tell ya.  I am terribly irrational at times (Yeah, I can admit that without shame.) and he just listens and manages to say the right thing to get me to calm down.  He's a keeper.  

I'm going to do a separate post about the Fly With The Eagles.  For now, as a teaser, I'll just say this:  it sucked.  

Okay, so yeah, I signed up for FULL MARATHON.  I'm crazy cakes.  I've totally lost my frakkin' mind.  I also somehow pulled Leah into doing it.  On her BIRTHDAY.  Bananas.  When I decided to do a marathon, it made total sense.  It's a bucket list item that I thought I could totally do and it felt like this was the year to do it.  Mind you, I thought all of this before I started fighting with running, so now I'm completely scared out of my mind.  What the hell was I thinking?  

So, this is where I am right now.  A hurt runner that just wants to freakin' RUN.  I know I need to rest and figure out my leg issue, but there is also this panicky feeling I get when I think about not being able to run.  Like somehow I'm going to totally forget how to do it or something.  What if my quarrel with running is never resolved?  What if, what if, what if?!?!  AHHHH!

Deep breaths.  Sigh.

On a different note, I now have no issues with saying I'm a runner.  A year ago, I thought I was too chubby or not athletic-looking enough to refer to myself as a runner.  Silly, I know, but it was something I felt weird about.  I will probably never look like the ideal runner, but dammit  I RUN, so I'm a runner.  Simple as that.  I just hope running remembers that, and will start being my friend again...