The Final Countdown!

Omg.  Omg.  Omg.  Race day this Sunday! 

This week has been a roller coaster of emotions!  One moment I am excited, the next a ball of nerves!   I'll just be sitting there and then BAM, it hits me- I will be running Thirteen Point Freakin' One miles this weekend! 

A plethora (one of my favorite fifty cent words) of fears and concerns have come to mind throughout the week.   My biggest concern (at the moment!) has been all the darn people.  There are over 20,000 runners!  Yikes!  I'm afraid with all the excitement I'll run too fast in the beginning and burn out.  Everyone that I have talked to that run half and full marathons say to just relax and try not to burn too much energy trying to pass folks- just relax and find my groove.  Hopefully, I will remember the advice Sunday morning!

Also, hills are still a concern for me.  Every time I am I running up a hill, every fiber of my being is telling me stop.  My legs are screaming, "What the frak do you think you are doing?  Stop it!"  I have this ongoing debate my head:

Runner Beeje:  Come on, just a bit longer.  You got this!

Hill Hater Beeje:  Oh, who are you kidding?  You can't do this!  Just give up already, that's what you really want to do anyway!

Runner Beeje:  No, I can do this.  Just run to that light post, there ya go, now to that mailbox...

Hill Hater Beeje:   Whatever, girl!  You are crazy-- look at how much more you have to go!

Runner Beeje:  I can do this!  Ugh!  I hate freakin' hills!  

In the end, I do make it up it, but I swear I tell myself that I won't every darn time.  Sometimes it takes me a few minutes to recover from the hill.  I'm not sure what kills me the most, the actual physical activity or the arguing with myself!

This week I was determined to get a few runs in.  Nothing too hard, just enough to keep my head in the game.  I was, however, determined to run up cemetery hill one last time before the race.  That hill has been beating me lately, and I just needed to remind myself that I could do it.  Tim wasn't feeling well, so I went on a short run solo.  It is so hard for me to run alone, especially the first mile, but once I got to that hill, I was dead set on making it up it without those negative thoughts holding me back.  I am happy to say that is exactly what I did. Sure, I was breathing hard and I probably had a grimace on my face, but I made it up that darn hill.  It eased my jitters a bit about hills on the race course, but I won't be too upset if the course is hill free!

Oddly enough, I no longer have the not finishing fear.  I firmly believe that I will finish the half even it means I'm crawling to that finish line!  I have trained for this for months now; I know that I can run the miles.  It's just a matter of enjoying it at this point.  I want to have fun, take in all the inspiration around me.  Celebrate the fact that I can do this.  Earlier this year I wouldn't have considered myself a runner.  I was wrong.  I may not run fast or look like your typical running chic, but none of that matters to me anymore.  I am a runner.  Period.

Soon after the race I will do a recap blog of how awesome the half went!  I will try not to drag my feet on it.  If any of you want to track me during the race, you can go this website:
http://runrocknroll.competitor.com/st-louis

My bib number is 15777 and Tim's is 9049.  I am not sure how it works, it just said they will have tracking available on the website.  Most of you will get a text from me at some point though!

Again, I have to thank everyone that has given me well wishes, words of advice and encouragement.  Seriously, I appreciate it!  My friends are probably annoyed with all of my running talk-- thanks for putting up with me and believing in me during those times I didn't. 

Special shout out to the Schemonia Clan-- that card made my day!  Thanks! 

Also,  I was obviously lucky when I married Tim because he is so awesome, but I also became a part of a family that is so supportive and wonderful!  I so look forward to hearing cheers from THE BEST cheerleaders ever!

Of course, none of this running business would not have even happened for me if it wasn't for Tim.  You rock, babes!  I know you are going to kick those 26.2 miles in the butt!  I can't wait to hug you after-- I don't care how sweaty you are!

Leah and Jaime-- This is what we have been working for!  All of those hot days are going to pay off for us this weekend!  We got this!  Running with you guys has been so fun (yes, I said fun!) and I hope we can keep it up even after the race.  Who knows what we can train for next... 

Tracy-- You are one inspirational lady!  I just know you are going to do awesome Sunday!  I only wish I could cheer you on at the finish!   I'll get there as soon as I can though!

Okay.   Time to ease the mind a bit.  AHHHH!  I'm so EXCITED!!!!

Trying to stay confident...

One Week!

I have started and stopped writing a blog all week.  I am in a running funk and I am having difficulty finding the words to explain how I am feeling. 

The half marathon is a week away and I don't know what is wrong with me.  I honestly feel like I was more prepared a month ago than I am now.  It's maddening.  The past few weeks have been frustrating.  The week before last, Tim was sick and I let that impact my running.  Then, last weekend I did a long run and a long bike ride, and tweaked my right calf.  During one run with everyone, my calves hurt so bad, I had to freakin' walk-- going up cemetery hill!  Ugh!  That hill has been my weakness all summer and I have never stopped and walked when running up it.  Complete blow to my confidence.  To make matters worse, on Saturday, I so struggled during our last long training run.  I was cold.  I felt I was going too fast.  I struggled on that stupid hill again (shout out to Tracy if you read this- thanks for the words of encouragement!).  I couldn't keep up with everyone during most of the run.  I had a side stitch that would not subside during the last mile.  After all was said and done, I was just happy the stupid run was over.  A month ago, I ran 10 miles and felt like I could conquer the world after.  This go round, I felt miserable.  Physically, I was fine (besides the usual aches and pains), but mentally I felt beaten.

Another blow to my confidence came when I was looking to buy something new to wear for the race.  I hate running clothes.  They are not made for this chunky monkey and they just make me feel like I have all 60lbs that I lost right back on me.  Seriously, it's bad enough that my hydration belt totally highlights my spare tire, so I don't need clothes that are going to give me more rolls, not to mention more chaffing issues.  I know I don't look like the typical skinny-minny runner, but surely I am missing an insider secret for comfy running clothes for chics that have some chunky bits, right? 

With all of that silliness going on, every now and then a fear about actual race day creeps into my head.  This week, the big fear I have (since I somehow forgot how to do them!) are HILLS.   Seriously, if the route has too many hills, I fear I will let them mentally beat before I even have to physically go up them.  I don't want to be mad at myself over any choice I make during the half marathon.  I don't want to be disappointed in my time or if I struggle.  I just feel defeated- and we haven't even ran the darn race yet!  I just want to be proud that I am even doing it!  But for whatever reason, I already feel crappy about it.  I know that  it doesn't make any sense.  Really, I KNOW this.  I can't really explain why I feel like this- I just do.  Hopefully on race day, I won't.  

So, yeah, I'm a girl with self-esteem issues this week.  Talk about bad timing!  I am just going to have to continue to remind myself that I'm just doing this to DO IT and HAVE FUN.  That was the plan from the beginning for me and I just need to stick with it.  The fact of the matter is, a few years ago, this girl wouldn't have even ran a mile if someone was chasing her, and now I run 10+ miles because I want to!  I just have to remember that I am strong and I can do it! 

The greatest battle is not physical but psychological. The demons telling us to give up when we push ourselves to the limit can never be silenced for good. They must always be answered by the quiet the steady dignity that simply refuses to give in. COURAGE. WE ALL SUFFER. KEEP GOING. 
-- I <3 to run Facebook page

Anxiety

18 days to go!

Okay, I have flaked out on keeping up with the blog.  The past two weeks have been pretty much more of the same:  run, run and run some more.  When I'm not running, I'm thinking about it.  If I'm not thinking about it, I'm talking about it.  I am probably annoying the heck out of everyone!  I certainly don't mean to be obsessing, but I just can't help it! 

In regards to the training, I've been pretty consistent.  The weekend before last, I ran 10 miles with Jaime and Leah.  It was a rainy morning to start, but we got pretty lucky and it only rained on us during the last couple of miles.   This past weekend I had to run with Tim and we did 13 miles again.  We tried to mimic race day conditions by starting closer to actual race time and also trying to pace for a 2:30 finish.  I was able to shave off 6 minutes from my previous 13 mile time, finishing it at 2:22.  I was pretty pleased with that, but those last few miles still hurt so freakin' bad and I totally turned into a monster on Tim.  He was trying so hard to encourage me and I just got upset with myself and took it out on him- I'm sorry, Tim!  I'm not sure if it's mental or if my legs are just not strong enough to eek out a few more miles.  Regardless, I was pretty miserable afterwards and once again doubting myself.  Tim pointed out that all miles were under the pace suggested for a 2:30 finish, so there is no reason to doubt that I can do it.  And the thing is, I do believe I can.  It's just when I'm actually running those last few miles, I let all the negative invade my thoughts.  It's pretty stupid considering it hits me after I have already ran 10 freakin' miles.  I mean, seriously, what is 3 more?  Ugh, it's just so frustrating! 

I have started having anxiety dreams and thoughts about the actual race.  What if it rains?  What if we have one of those hotter than usual October days?  What if I hurt myself before the race?  What if it's a "lead legs" day for me?  The "lead legs" thing is my biggest concern.  Some days I just feel heavy and sluggish when running.  Every step I make requires so much effort.  If that happens on race day, I'm not so sure I can push through for 13.1 miles.   I have to stop thinking about it so much because it is driving me crazy!  

On a more positive note, Leah and Jaime rocked their long run-- 13.1 in 2:17!  I am super proud of them and I hope I can keep up with those speedsters during the race!  You know I will try my hardest!  :)


Funny sign of encouragement: 

Click HERE for some other funny spectator race signs.  I think I am going to try to come up with a funny one for Tim!