I have started and stopped writing a blog all week. I am in a running funk and I am having difficulty finding the words to explain how I am feeling.
The half marathon is a week away and I don't know what is wrong with me. I honestly feel like I was more prepared a month ago than I am now. It's maddening. The past few weeks have been frustrating. The week before last, Tim was sick and I let that impact my running. Then, last weekend I did a long run and a long bike ride, and tweaked my right calf. During one run with everyone, my calves hurt so bad, I had to freakin' walk-- going up cemetery hill! Ugh! That hill has been my weakness all summer and I have never stopped and walked when running up it. Complete blow to my confidence. To make matters worse, on Saturday, I so struggled during our last long training run. I was cold. I felt I was going too fast. I struggled on that stupid hill again (shout out to Tracy if you read this- thanks for the words of encouragement!). I couldn't keep up with everyone during most of the run. I had a side stitch that would not subside during the last mile. After all was said and done, I was just happy the stupid run was over. A month ago, I ran 10 miles and felt like I could conquer the world after. This go round, I felt miserable. Physically, I was fine (besides the usual aches and pains), but mentally I felt beaten.
Another blow to my confidence came when I was looking to buy something new to wear for the race. I hate running clothes. They are not made for this chunky monkey and they just make me feel like I have all 60lbs that I lost right back on me. Seriously, it's bad enough that my hydration belt totally highlights my spare tire, so I don't need clothes that are going to give me more rolls, not to mention more chaffing issues. I know I don't look like the typical skinny-minny runner, but surely I am missing an insider secret for comfy running clothes for chics that have some chunky bits, right?
With all of that silliness going on, every now and then a fear about actual race day creeps into my head. This week, the big fear I have (since I somehow forgot how to do them!) are HILLS. Seriously, if the route has too many hills, I fear I will let them mentally beat before I even have to physically go up them. I don't want to be mad at myself over any choice I make during the half marathon. I don't want to be disappointed in my time or if I struggle. I just feel defeated- and we haven't even ran the darn race yet! I just want to be proud that I am even doing it! But for whatever reason, I already feel crappy about it. I know that it doesn't make any sense. Really, I KNOW this. I can't really explain why I feel like this- I just do. Hopefully on race day, I won't.
So, yeah, I'm a girl with self-esteem issues this week. Talk about bad timing! I am just going to have to continue to remind myself that I'm just doing this to DO IT and HAVE FUN. That was the plan from the beginning for me and I just need to stick with it. The fact of the matter is, a few years ago, this girl wouldn't have even ran a mile if someone was chasing her, and now I run 10+ miles because I want to! I just have to remember that I am strong and I can do it!
The greatest battle is not physical but psychological. The demons telling us to give up when we push ourselves to the limit can never be silenced for good. They must always be answered by the quiet the steady dignity that simply refuses to give in. COURAGE. WE ALL SUFFER. KEEP GOING.
-- I <3 to run Facebook page
No comments:
Post a Comment